Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart

I’ve never really tolerated liars. Lying just totally sucks. I mean, I make it a point to tell the truth whenever so I don’t see how anyone can be a habitual liar.

It’s hard enough for us to be in a long distance relationship, do you have to make it tougher by making me doubt you?

The situation we’re in right now is really difficult for me because:

1. I miss you sooo much I always get teary-eyed when I think of you (like right now).
2. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot as I’m not able to hug and kiss Alyssa on her 2nd birthday.
3. I’m in a perpetual state of uncertainty. I don’t know what will happen two days, five months, three years from now and I hate it.
4. I go to sleep every night scared that when I wake up tomorrow, my daughter won’t even recognize me anymore.
5. I can’t talk to you as often as I want to because you’re busy. You can’t even send me a message once a day just to let me know everything’s okay and that someone back home is missing me too.

I am trying to understand that sometimes, there’s just some things that prevent you from doing that. Like when you have to review for an exam or when you have zero credit or when you fall asleep from exhaustion because of Alyssa.

But it just hurts, you know. And that’s when I find myself crying. And that’s when I realize that I can’t do anything about it. And it really sucks.

Saying that it was just a white lie is no fucking excuse. Little things add up and a lie is a lie no matter what. If you think about it, it’s the little things that really become a problem. Like when you get something in your eye. You try to blink it away but sometimes, you have to shed a few tears to get it out.

And the fact that I told you not to lie and asked you thrice if you are lying makes a difference. You straight out told me that you were telling the truth and you led me to believe that it was done when, in fact, it wasn’t.

You know that I have trust issues. You have always told me that you want everything to be crystal clear with us. You told me to tell you everything that I’m thinking or feeling so there would be no samaan ng loob between us. And I did just that. It was hard for me but I learned to trust you. But now I’m thinking, are you just messing with me? Was that an act?

We’ve talked about this more times than we should have. All because you don’t keep your promises. You just keep on lying and lying about little things. And it’s driving me crazy! How the hell am I supposed to keep on trusting you? If you lie about the little things, how can I be sure that you’re not lying about the more important stuff?

All I ask is that you keep your word. Because that’s what I do.