Hallowind

My son is overly excited for fall, Halloween (or Hallowind, as he calls it) and snow. This is a conversation we’ve had that made me smile.

“Mommy, sabi sa news, fall na daw bukas.”
“Talaga?”
“Opo! Kaya dapat early ako mag sleep mamaya para maaga ako magising!”
“Okay, maaga tayo matutulog.” (thinking he wanted to get up early for school)
“Kasi Mommy, gusto ko maabutan mag-fall lahat nung leaves!“

Happy birthday Beb!

The most wonderful gift I can think of giving you is showing up on your front door and spending the entire day with you. But I can’t. Because I’m 8,504 miles (13,686 kilometers) away from you.

Two years of not spending September 21st together really sucks.

The first time was when you were on duty in Cabuyao. But we made up for it the next day. So we were happy.

Today is the second time. So unless I have the power to teleport or the power to stop time, it’s impossible for us to spend your birthday together. Oh yeah, I also don’t have money to buy a ticket.

Did I mention that this totally sucks? It does.

The only thing that makes me happy is that my gifts arrived at your door today. I hope you like them.

Happy birthday beb!

Nano nano nano nano

I want.

Please let me be a bum again!

Who: a high-end leasing company
Where: Hoboken, NJ
Job description: answer phone calls and show apartments

I am exhausted!

I wake up early to cook breakfast, feed Bom, feed Papa, feed myself, wash the dishes, give Bom and Papa their meds, fix the bed, clean the room, bathe Bom, get him ready for school, get myself ready for work (yes, bitches take baths too), get to work by riding a bus, the LightRail and another bus.

When I get home, I cook dinner, go on the Internet, feed Bom, get him ready for bed and get myself ready for bed.

I sleep for a couple of hours and the cycle starts again.

Nowhere in the job description does it say that I have to manage the office and organize every fucking file there is! I can’t imagine how such a small office could be so unorganized!

Please let them find a manager soon so I can stay in bed all day and watch MTV.

I wish my mom was here.

The drama never stops

I was trying to sleep but I can’t. I was just there in my dark room, trying to understand what was going on. Then I felt the tears fall down. And I can’t stop.

I felt the same thing I felt a couple of years back when I found out Jeff cheated on me, when he broke up with me, and when it all finally sank in.

I felt sick. My stomach felt queasy, like I was about to throw up. My hands were clammy, like before I step out on stage to perform. Like there were cold fingers gripping my heart.

I was helpless.

I was hopeless.

Those of you who have experienced heartbreak know what I’m talking about. The really bad kind where you really can’t sleep or eat and you spend your time staring into space or listening to sad songs and crying. The kind where you just can’t help but cry even at the mere mention of his name.

That was how I felt a couple of years back. And it’s also what I’m feeling now.

I just can’t understand why things are going the way they are. A lot of stuff is going through my head right now and I don’t expect that this post would be a coherent one so if you get lost reading this, then you’d better stop. Because I’m as confused as you are.

I thought that the only thing keeping us from getting married was my immigrant petition. I thought it was the reason why the wedding plans at Calaruega and the wedding plans at San Agustin were called off. Yes, we were supposed to get married twice already, according to my book.

So I thought, “Okay, once I get my green card, we can get married.” It’s been two months since I received my green card and we’re still not married. So that’s two cancelled weddings, two years of waiting for the petition and two months of having my green card. Did I mention two kids too? Though technically, only one is yours.

You say you love me. No, you insist that you love me sooo much. So what’s the problem? Are you scared of commitment? Did you wake up one day and suddenly realize that you’re not sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with me? That you want to try and see if someone better comes along before you get stuck with a bitch like me? Someone who can make you happier than I can and who doesn’t fight over petty things like a digicam? Someone who doesn’t drive you crazy? I-wanna-tear-my-hair-out-and-scream-my-bloody-lungs-out crazy? Tell me!

It doesn’t help that you’re a perpetual liar. And that I have a hard time forgiving anyone who breaks my trust. So how the hell do you expect me to believe you? God, I want to believe you! But I can’t. Not after you told me that you wanted to get married when you have a stable job here so that you can take care of me and our kids.

We can get married then you can go here, find a job and raise our kids. Other couples are dying to get married, especially when the other is going somewhere far away, so that their bond becomes stronger. What is the matter with you?!

If you are not planning to get married at all, just tell me. I’ve always told you to tell me the truth no matter what (which turns out to be a big problem since you always lie). And you tell me that you sometimes feed me these white lies because you know that I would be mad, that I would react in a negative way.

It’s just so hopeless! I feel so empty. I’m not one to force someone to do what he really doesn’t want to do. I mean, if you really don’t want to get married or if you’re having second thoughts about us then don’t. But I need you to tell me.

So I won’t expect.

So I won’t cry.

So I won’t get hurt.

But who am I kidding? It already hurts. A lot. I thought I was past all these. I thought if I was able to go on after Jeff then I can handle anything else that comes. I guess not.

My friends tell me I’m strong, that I’m a warrior, that I’m the big sister. But sometimes, big warrior sisters become weak, lose hope, cry and get hurt. They sometimes want to give up the fight. Why fight for something when there’s nothing to fight for? Why fight for someone who doesn’t want you to fight for him? Why fight for something you want when he doesn’t want it?

So yes, I’m giving up.

I surrender.

I’m tired.

I offer everything to you God. Please make everything turn out okay. Please.

God bless everyone

I was at Adrianna’s (our friendly neighborhood laundromat) and it seemed strange that SpongeBob Squarepants was not on. Nor was Jimmy Neutron. Those are usually what’s on when we do the laundry on weekends.

All the monitors were switched to NYC TV, and the people on TV were reading off names (like they do on graduation day). Then I remembered that today was September 11, a date that America will never forget.

While I was waiting for the dryer to finish, I looked around the laundromat and it surprised me that only one person was watching the screen. And the funny thing was, he was Filipino. The Americans were too busy talking on the phone or doing their laundry to even glance at the screen. The Filipino just kind of stood there, giving the TV his undivided attention. So I glanced up and started watching too.

I saw a huge mound of flowers and cards and a long line of people giving short messages to each and every victim of the attack. Messages of loving and missing. Of sadness and hapiness. Of bravery and courage. But the last thing they all said was, “God bless America.”

And it was then that I felt goosebumps. I felt sad that after all these years, they still mourn for those that they lost. That they still can’t let go. That they still can’t go on.

It was at that moment that I decided to offer a short prayer for the victims of the attack and their families. And the last thing I said was, “God bless all of us.”

Happy birthday Alyssa!

Baby Kulet,

I hope you had the funnest birthday ever! Mommy misses you so much! I love you baby. Try not to bite daddy’s nose too much, okay?

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart

I’ve never really tolerated liars. Lying just totally sucks. I mean, I make it a point to tell the truth whenever so I don’t see how anyone can be a habitual liar.

It’s hard enough for us to be in a long distance relationship, do you have to make it tougher by making me doubt you?

The situation we’re in right now is really difficult for me because:

1. I miss you sooo much I always get teary-eyed when I think of you (like right now).
2. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot as I’m not able to hug and kiss Alyssa on her 2nd birthday.
3. I’m in a perpetual state of uncertainty. I don’t know what will happen two days, five months, three years from now and I hate it.
4. I go to sleep every night scared that when I wake up tomorrow, my daughter won’t even recognize me anymore.
5. I can’t talk to you as often as I want to because you’re busy. You can’t even send me a message once a day just to let me know everything’s okay and that someone back home is missing me too.

I am trying to understand that sometimes, there’s just some things that prevent you from doing that. Like when you have to review for an exam or when you have zero credit or when you fall asleep from exhaustion because of Alyssa.

But it just hurts, you know. And that’s when I find myself crying. And that’s when I realize that I can’t do anything about it. And it really sucks.

Saying that it was just a white lie is no fucking excuse. Little things add up and a lie is a lie no matter what. If you think about it, it’s the little things that really become a problem. Like when you get something in your eye. You try to blink it away but sometimes, you have to shed a few tears to get it out.

And the fact that I told you not to lie and asked you thrice if you are lying makes a difference. You straight out told me that you were telling the truth and you led me to believe that it was done when, in fact, it wasn’t.

You know that I have trust issues. You have always told me that you want everything to be crystal clear with us. You told me to tell you everything that I’m thinking or feeling so there would be no samaan ng loob between us. And I did just that. It was hard for me but I learned to trust you. But now I’m thinking, are you just messing with me? Was that an act?

We’ve talked about this more times than we should have. All because you don’t keep your promises. You just keep on lying and lying about little things. And it’s driving me crazy! How the hell am I supposed to keep on trusting you? If you lie about the little things, how can I be sure that you’re not lying about the more important stuff?

All I ask is that you keep your word. Because that’s what I do.