He Said, She Said: How To Land That Second Date

ripped off from joel’s blog now enhanced with my comments…

How to get that 2nd date. The MANual. by rovilson

“How can a woman get a second date?” One of the female editors of Metro Magazine asks me.

“On the first date, let him only get up to third base,” I jokingly answer. She was not amused. You should have seen the look on her face. We’ve all seen it before, a stare completely flat, devoid of any emotion except for a “do I slap the back of your head first before I walk away from you” gleam in her eye.

As my penance for such a thoughtless remark (which I thought to be extremely witty at the time, but hey, I find “When Animals Attack” downright hilarious as well, so sue me) she orders me to write a guide for women on first date etiquette. I begrudgingly accept. Now my disclaimer is I do not, nor will I ever claim to be an expert on the dating scene. But one thing I can proudly admit, is my abundance of disgruntled bachelor friends who were more than happy to provide me with some helpful advice on ensuring that highly coveted “2nd date.” I took a survey, tallied up the most number of suggestions and present them to you in a concise, easy to read manual complete with a handy example to boot. Take it seriously, take it as a joke…but don’t take my word for it.

1) “I’M SORRY, IS MY PARROT BOTHERING YOU?”
You know the type, the girl who, during a date at the bar/restaurant, looks over your shoulder every two minutes as if a magnificent cockatoo is perched on it. Always scanning the crowd, looking for someone to wave “Hi” to. She might as well be wearing a t-shirt that has “WAVE TO ME, BESO FOR FREE” emblazoned on it. We are not impressed. Annoyed actually. How about a little eye contact and some attentive listening? Its a great way to rack up “Pogi points” fast. On the flipside, don’t stare at our eyes as if we have you in a trance. If that floats your boat, then by all means, stare at my parrot instead.

Maya:

same way with girls. The guy who sits there and scans the crowd looking for someone he knows, just to prove to you that “hey I know a lot of people. I’m Mr. Popular, I’m the king of cool, and You’re really lucky to be here with me” annoys the hell out of women. This just spells lack of interest and we might as well end the date right there and go home rather than to spend precious seconds of our lives aboard your ego trip. Guys who stare into our eyes likewise can be a little annoying, not to mention creepy. Too much staring can either mean fake attention or the beginning of an obsessive “every breath you take, every move you make” kind of fixation. Like everything else, balance is key. You can stare, just don’t gawk. And this applies to other parts of the body as well.

2) “THAT’S A MIGHTY BIG PURSE YOU GOT THERE!”
Hey ladies, who’s guilty of this? You just dined at one of the finer establishments in Makati and the waiter comes to bring the check, naturally he’ll hand it to the man (a sexist gesture, it should be placed on the table as they do in the States, but I digress) at that exact moment, as expected, you will either excuse yourself to the bathroom OR apply enough lipstick/makeup that would make a geisha look like a minimalist OR rummage through your tiny purse for what seems like minutes, frantically searching for that ever elusive, “nothing”–avoiding eye contact with your date until the poor chap has paid for the bill. Hey, I’m as old-fashion as the next guy and I’ll gladly pay for dinner, but at least LOOK like your going to offer to pay.
You fake orgasms with us, you might as well fake paying the bill too. — hilarious!!

Maya: Not guilty. I always offer to pay unless I’m flat broke but I wouldn’t go out on a date without cash on hand. What if it turns out to be a total waste of time? The cash comes in handy for a comfort cup of coffee or a couple of drinks so the night won’t be a total waste of time. As for searching for the elusive nothing, well I’ve done that only once, while avoiding the eyes of a “mama san” at a bar in Bangkok who was searching the audience for a volunteer to be tied up and slapped senseless. I think very few women do this now, most offer to split the tab on dates but it’s minus points for you guys if you let us pay on the first date. After all, we’re not Dutch. We’re Pinoys. And we still have that “oh irog…” harana-by-the-window schmaltziness underneath the entire girl power attitude. We like to be pampered, in the same way that we like to pamper our men. As for the faking orgasms comment, most women do that to make their men feel fulfilled. They’d rather fake it than to go on and on and on the whole night and tire out both parties without any semblance of satisfaction. It takes a lot of acting skills to do that…and believe me you, women CAN act. Just when you smugly think to yourself “yeah I’m the man!!! whoo-hoop,whoo-hoop” the woman beside you might be thinking “thank god that’s over…if I had to go any longer, I’d die of internal combustion.” Think kegel exercises. If you dunno this, then you don’t know the real deal J You owe her more than dinner for her anti-ego-bruising-academy-award-winning episodes in bed.

3) “THE FOOD IS TAKING FOREVER, THESE ARE BAD SEATS, I CAN’T BELIEVES SHE’S WEARING MY OUTFIT, PAOLO SANTOS AGAIN?”
It warrants mentioning…don’t complain.

Maya: No comment. For me, it’s just plain rude to complain on a first date. We can keep it to ourselves. We just let it all out when we meet up with our girlfriends for dinner or drinks. Know how there are times when you accidentally bite your tongue a dozen times in one night? That’s usually when we talk about you. That’s when we dissect every detail of the date and complain about what’s worth complaining about…(and get gooey about the good points as well)… believe me, we talk. We can hold it in for a while but when we’re with our girlfriends, we talk like there’s no tomorrow. In fact I think women can actually talk forever. Now choose. We talk in front of you or behind your back? Whatever you choose, we’ll still talk; it’s woman’s nature J

4) “ALWAYS PLACE YOUR VIBRATOR IN YOUR PURSE”
I was having a coffee-date with a “potential” one evening and during the course of one-hour together, she looked at her cell phone 23 times! 23 times?! I can’t even insert a joke here. Let me just guess what her texts consisted of;

TEXT1: wru
TEXT2: Ate, can I borrow your push-up bra?
TEXT3: Wats ur G?
TEXT4: another coup! Avoid Edsa.
TEXT5: Saan ka?
TEXT6: OMG! I’m sitting across Carlo Ledesma in Starbuks!
TEXT7: sale Mango tom.
TEXT8: Gimik!

ETC….

You get my point. I’m sure your texts are as pointless as ours. So please focus on that hapless guy sitting across from you. “Coffee-dates” aren’t our forte, so lets make an already uncomfortable setting a little more bearable by putting your cell in your purse and put the damn thing on silent.

 

Maya: Hahahaha! Hilarious. How about “g tonight?” Nah, when women text on the date, they’re probably texting about Y-O-U. Giving feedback to all the ladies waiting for news and updates. It’s probably:

TEXT1: Here na. I’m starving…
TEXT2: He’s ok. Kinda cute in an unconventional way…
TEXT3: Hmmm…more like Owen than Luke Wilson cute
TEXT4: When I text you to call, call me agad ok?
TEXT5: Just wait for my text
TEXT6: OMG! I’m sitting across Carlo Ledesma in Starbuks!
TEXT7: what’s the name of your friend who works for the company this guy works for again?
TEXT8: Call me NOW!
TEXT9: Ok pick you up in 15 mins. It’s ladies night tonight, call the girls and let’s go get wasted!!! Tell you all the juicy details later!

Haha. Nope. Didn’t happen to me. But I can just imagine J You get my point? It can be how cute your itty bitty dimples are or how she wants to hug you cause you smell so good or it could be a 911 for a topic that will get the conversation going. Or yes it could be texts out of boredom or complaint texts (hey it warrants mentioning, don’t complain…so we’re not complaining…out loud that is). We need wing men too… our wing men just like to know the 411 all the time J

5)”GOD, I MISS MY EX…….BUT MY AIM IS GETTING BETTER”
A guaranteed “one-dater” can be achieved by talking about your EX. Under no circumstances are you allowed to bring up your EX. Ever. But if you must, there are certain topics regarding your EX that are exceptions to the rule. And they are the following;
A) How he turned into a flaming homosexual after dating you.
B) How wonderful his wedding was.
C) How serene his funeral was.
D) How the judge denied him parole. Again.
E) How Pfizer continues to use him in R&D for their Penis Erectile Dysfuntion drugs.

Maya: Amen to this!! A date talking about her ex is like a man talking to his mistress about his wife. While an ex is a part of the past, it’s still a topic with flashing red warning signs especially during the first few dates. If you don’t like the guy you’re dating, rave on and on about how you and your ex had the most wonderful first date and how you had the time of your lives and how you wished that night would never end. Then sigh a deep sigh and stare into space with a silly nostalgic smile on your face. Your date will definitely bail faster than you can say “have a good life.” Applicable to both genders. You can talk about your ex under these circumstances:

a.)   how obese she is

b.)    how adorable her newlyborn twins are (products of her cheating on you with your ex-bestfriend)

c.)    how horrible she looked in a straightjacket that night they took her away after she tried to burn your house down

d.)    how she’s found peace and serenity in her new home, the convent.

6)”ALWAYS BEND OVER ON THE FIRST DATE”
Here’s a freebie for all you ladies. After your date has unlocked your car door, opened it for you, graciously waits for you to get in, then closes the door after you—REACH OVER to unlock HIS door. Trust me, we’re watching and taking mental notes.

Maya: Trudat! If you do remember to open doors for us that is. We take mental notes too, and not the size of post-its but rolls and rolls of manila paper. Believe me, we notice everything…tit for tat.
 
7)”HOW ABOUT A TIC-TAC…………….OR 10?”
I’m an avid sportsman and Californian and therefore abhor smoke as if it were the plague. But I must admit, I can’t help but stare at a woman as she puffs on a cigarette. The way she holds it between two fingers, ever so feminine. The way she exhales, lips twisted to the left, a small crack in the corner of her mouth and a gentle blow all the while maintaining eye contact. Simply fascinating how the bottom half of her face performs something completely independent of the upper half. There must be a course in college, “How to smoke and still look delectable 101” that us men don’t know about. I find it sexy yet downright disgusting. Akin to driving on the freeway and encountering a bad traffic accident, you don’t want to look at the twisted carnage, but as you drive by you are compelled to look and steal a glance. Call it a morbid fascination. Its got to be the BEST and the WORST accessory she has on. Ok, I’m rambling. I have no point to this. Pinays will always smoke, I’ll always stare. Moving on.

Maya: Okay I smoke. It’s a disgusting habit I can’t seem to kick. It’s cool that some find it fascinating. But honestly most men don’t. In the conservative world we live in, women are still judged for smoking. Men can but women just plain shouldn’t (can you just imagine Maria Clara smoking? All the old ladies make the sign of the cross…) Norms, norms, norms…That’s why I keep tictacs and altoids and gum in my bag, not to mention a whole bottle of cologne + hand gel. Guys should too. If you smoke cigarettes, do you not stink? Both ways, my friend, both ways.

8)”HOORAY MINISKIRTS ARE BACK!”
As one of my “Metro-sexual” male friends recommends, “on a first date, one shouldn’t be over dressed nor overly made up but rather looking effortlessly beautiful.” Unlike my article, less is more.

Maya: Ok, ok I don’t get it. We wear daring clothes, we look like hookers. We look like we’re easy, we get bastos. So what’s with the less is more? Case-to-case basis I guess… Well for us, just look good. Look like you actually prepared for the date, actually took time in front of your closet to pick your clothes and some more time in front of the mirror to fix your hair. Look like you care enough to give a good impression. That will get you brownie points, in addition to how good you look J

9) “UHM, ER…IS IT BECAUSE MY CAR IS SILVER…..STAINLESS?”
If I authored the dictionary, this is what my entry for “DATE” would be. Noun; a social engagement with the opposite sex consisting of picking her up, engaging in an activity, then taking her home. Then why is (insert one of the following) Jhun your gay friend from work/your best friend Bunny/your kuya JP/your driver Eufemio TAKING YOU HOME? We picked you up, endured meeting your parents, nervously met your 3 older brothers and uttered the word “po” more times than when we gimmicked with Cardinal Sin.
Give us the courtesy of taking you home, its usually the best, most nerve wracking, highly anticipated moment of the first date….which is a perfect segue to my final “no-no” on helping you ladies get that 2nd date…..

Maya:

No. It’s for safety. We might have a shotgun stashed somewhere in the closet for when it’s time to blow your ass to kingdom come when you turn out to be a sex offender but what good will it be if we turn out dead at the end of the date because we OD’d from the drug you put in our drink? Okay that’s a little morbid. Let’s just say, it’s a security blanket. Bringing a car or making pasundo or having a driver wait is for security reasons. It’s a cruel world out there. We need a getaway car to save us from possible criminals or insanely horrible dates…

10)”I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD LONGGANISA FOR BREAKFAST”
Lastly, if the date went really well, there was “chemistry,” and you genuinely liked each other…I really believe that it’s not wrong to punctuate the evening with a gentle “goodnight kiss.” Not a “ram your tongue down the throat and taste his spleen” kiss, but a semi-open, locked, moist kiss ending in a pucker…followed with a smile.

 

Maya:

Ah, the kiss. The first kiss tells you everything so Hitch says. And to quote Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates, “nothing beats the first kiss.” It can make girls hear the halelujiah chorus or the sound of the disappointing “ngwek ngwek ngwek” usually played for the loser during gameshows. Its like the whole date was leading up to this very moment and it’s the make or break of a second date. Right. No tonsil hockey just yet. Kiss her like you would kiss your fiancé on your wedding day. Gentle yet promising. Look for body signals on whether she wants to be kissed or not. And Hitch was right, the fumbling of the keys thing before she steps out of the car… it means she’s waiting and expecting, trust me. Don’t disappoint her.

Rovilson is still single. And assumes that after this article, he may remain that way for a while. He’d like to note that “claiming you are bisexual” and “not talking about marriage and kids” on the first date were also strong contenders, but did not make the list.

 

Metro Magazine April 2004

Maya is still single. And assumes that after this article, the guy she’s dating will probably bail out on her, faster then she could say “thanks for everything.” She would like to note that “telling a girl she looks good” and “not mentioning your addiction to porn” are also strong points to remember during your first date but will not guarantee a second date.